rapunzel tower (not its real name) near the entrance to the eastern freeway, clifton hill

 
at last some good news.

thanks to an angel of sorts, i’ll be leaving for my holiday as planned and can return a month or so later with no problems (in the short term, anyway).

i’ve been spending so much time trying to organise my life that i haven’t had time to properly explore all of my feelings, especially the sadness. my friends here have been amazing, but this is one of those times when i definitely need my mom.

my christmas wishes (in order of importance):

 
i would ask for happiness, too, but i think that’s an awfully big list already. and somehow I don’t think that’s quite possible yet.

what would you like for christmas?

Barb’s photo request: “I”ve always wanted to see what Polyester [Records in Fitzroy] looks like.”

I swear my life is a soap opera, but I’d like to think things are improving. Certain things are out of my grasp, but others are not, and I’m learning a lot in the process. Even if I don’t know answers to most of the big questions right now, I’m sorting out the things I can — both mentally and in terms of my stuff in this apartment — and making baby steps.

I ate some appetizers, most of my dinner and a bit of dessert last night while out with Kristy, for those of you mum-types counting calories/kilojoules for me. I ate quite a bit at a barbecue today, too. Perhaps it’s the companionship, or perhaps the fabulously hot weather. Or perhaps I’m heading toward some kind of inner peace. Dunno. Things are so up and down lately that I’m glad to have a good day.

I also moved my plane ticket back a week (let’s all thank the nice person who made a cancellation, shall we?), so I was able to buy myself some time, so to speak. According to the latest plan, I’ve now got a week and a half to sort out my life. Not quite so bad. And Miko can travel on the same plane as me (after a $1200 charge to my credit card, naturally), with no time in quarantine, so there are things to be thankful for.

Bimbo’s Pizza with Kat — I know this photo is too big for the design of the page, but I can’t be bothered to fix it right now.

Life is so shitty right now that I can’t even fathom it all.

It’s only been three weeks since the first bombshell was dropped, and it’s quickly progressed like a soap opera to the point where I’m now faced with the reality that I will most likely have to leave the country, permanently, in five days. How did this happen to me?

I don’t have time to grieve for the husband I lost (relatively speaking) because I have to organise everything and say goodbye to Australia. Just typing those last four words started the tears again. How do you say goodbye to your entire life, and everything you know and love? I used to joke that if I wasn’t in my line of work, I’d go to work for the tourism commission because I love it here so much. I challenge you to find someone who loves Melbourne more than me.

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I am not eating or sleeping properly most days, and I have lost a lot of weight. Friends here have been really supportive, but they’re also understandably upset. It just doesn’t make sense.

I. DON’T. WANT. TO. GO.

I hope you’ll understand if the photo requests have been postponed, or if they don’t come from Melbourne. I have to sort our my entire life in five days. I will be OK, but they’ll have to take me screaming and crying.

HEY YOU. Yes, you reading this right now. I need you to participate in my new project. Keep reading to find out more.

Yesterday was hard. I was doing really well and listening to Darren Hanlon’s Little Chills on the way to work, thinking it would brighten my spirits, when the song I Wish That I Was Beautiful For You came on. I started sobbing like a baby (thank goodness for travel tissues).

I was dry-eyed by the time I got to work, but the network was going at a snail pace. I kept staring at the computer screen (which was frozen) all day, trying to attempt any kind of work possible. It was made worse by the fact that my main tasks yesterday were all important e-mails that needed to be sent out. It took me over an hour of frozen-screen trouble to open up my e-mails in the morning, and an hour and a half to compose and send one tiny e-mail at the end of the day, when I was trying to leave. So throughout the day I walked around the office and chatted with the receptionist, trying to keep my mind off things, be a responsible adult and not skip work for the beach. Oh, how I wanted to go to the beach. I tried to take a walk outside work, but the wind nearly knocked me over.

Two good things have happened recently. My hair has grown out in front, and it looks rockin’. I feel like a hot mama, which is unfortunate given the timing, but at least I’ll appreciate it.

The other is that someone lent me a book about love and relationships that was truly eye-opening. I ignored it for a bit, expecting it to be really schmaltzy (and the Post-It on the front gave such a warning), but I learned a lot and went to bed feeling much better. It was probably good, too, that Kristy refused to let me stay at home last night — my Australian friends are very skilled in the art of distraction.

So while I was at work, staring at the computer screen, I came up with an idea. For those of you who have been to exploding dog, you’ll get it very quickly. I’ve decided to undertake a new project on this blog to take photographs by request. Leave a comment about something you would like to see photographed, and I will photograph my interpretation of your request and use it in an entry on this site. I will also add it to a list somewhere, so you can see what I’ve photographed so far, what’s left, and who’s made the requests.

Requests can be anything from specific Melbourne landmarks to personal things like “view from your front window” or random like “something that starts with F”. I’m sure you can think of something much more creative.

This project will serve a few purposes:

 
Of course, there are some rules:

I will try to list all requests, so even if I haven’t gotten to yours yet, you will know it’s at least in the queue. This game only works if you participate, though, so please start sending your requests through!

Thanks,
Honey xoxo

station pier, port melbourne

WARNING: this post contains some very serious, personal information. For those of you who come for the pretty pictures and surface-level observations, I advise you to stay where you are. For others who won’t be uncomfortable by what I’ve got to say, you’re free to keep reading.

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